Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Some Insight

2oceansvibe Seth Rotherham is running a competition to win a couple of tickets to the Top Gear Live show in January and so I thought I would send something in. I have had my suspicions for a while and so decided to let everyone know the true identity of the Stig. Hope you enjoy

Hi Seth

The topic of 'Who is the Stig?' has been a topic of conversation in every pub since the Stig was first introduced to the relaunched Top Gear in 2002. Earlier this year the Stig apparently removed his glistening helmet (which took twelve virgins three weeks of ancient Buddhist polishing techniques to achieve) and revealed himself as Michael Schumacher.... Bull, everyone knows that once a Formula 1 driver stops racing he dies that little bit inside and if he attempts to take on the accelerator with too much aggression he will implode up his own rectum. Its common knowledge.

The question thus still remains! Who is he? I think its about time the world knew.  It has been staring us in the faces for years but due to a massive cover up by the Vatican it has been buried so deep in the Vatican library that not even Dan Browns extensive research into his next book ('The Stig Conspiracy' available at all good book stores from March 2010) could uncover any substantial evidence.

The rumors began several years ago from within the Vatican when it surfaced that the individual in question did not get enough thrills in his current state of employment. He was often spotted sneaking out of his chambers after candles out and drifting into the streets of Italy to take part in highly illegal street racing events. He excelled and was discovered by Clarkson in 2001 who negotiated a contract where by the individual would rule the Top Gear circuit as his own for an undisclosed period of time .

He was then introduced in 2002 dressed in black to throw the public of his real identity where he ruled with an iron fist and kept those twelve virgins polishing madly while he had seven eunuchs who were at his every whim (it has since increased to ten eunuchs and the virgins have all been knocked up).

Then in late 2004 the individual decided that he would go full time on the track and would prefer to avoid his other obligations all together. And so, in 2005, in a massive masquerade by the Vatican shook the world the and would become the conspiracy of the century. A cover up of such immense proportion that not even Michael Moore (the worlds most credited conspiracy expert) had any idea of what happened.

It was about this same time that the Black Stig "died" and became White Stig.... Coincidence.... I think not. There is only one man since the start of religion (somewhere in the 18th Century) that could ever possibly pull of lap times of such biblical standard. It has been staring us right in the face for five years.

The Stig is Pope John Paul the Second...

He never died, the Vatican after being very upset that he was a bit over poping about told everyone he had died and while the world went into a state of depression it gave the Pope enough time to get over to the UK and move into Clarksons moms garage.

He is still there and provided the contents of this email do not surface he will be able to live out the rest of his days in a cloud of tyre smoke and a mouthful of Clarksons moms homemade scones (apparently they are the bollocks).

I hope that I have managed to spread some clarity on the situation. If you would like some clarity on any of these points I am more than happy to oblige.

Kind Regards
Murray Turner

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